finding my soul mate
I’m in an intensive Landmark Education leadership program, and had a huge breakthrough recently:
Toward the end of class last Friday I was increasingly frustrated, stopped, and finally overwhelmed with grief. I cried and cried while a coach worked worked with me… I was experiencing for the first time how very, very lonely it is to always be pretending that I know the answer, and to live life as though I must always have it all together and be an example for others. (Yuck!).
It especially sucks in my marriage of 24 years. “I know the answer” shows up as my husband Brian “doesn’t get it” because he says the spirituality I rediscovered 4 years ago is utterly alien to him. Clearly this must mean Brian is spiritually deficient — I know the answer and he doesn’t — and I have to alternately try to fix him (and criticize him behind his back) or struggle to accept him as he is (and repress my resignation and sadness). Plus ever since I rediscovered my spirituality, I’ve been wondering what it’d be like to have a soul mate, a man with whom I could share my spiritual journey….
I finished my blitz coaching session — I had to leave class early to catch a bus — with me creating the possibility of being vulnerable and contributed to. Then I hurried off for the last bus back to Ithaca. (With my nose bright red and eyes puffy from crying… had to smile at how immediately life called me to practice being vulnerable and give up looking good.)
On the bus home, my tears kept coming. But now they were about how much I love, adore, respect, and desire my husband Brian, and my recognition that he feels exactly the same way about me. And always has.
So as you might imagine, we had an amazing conversation once the kids were in bed.
I told Brian all this, and created the possibility of being vulnerable with him and letting him contribute to me. I promised that “next time I’m feeling sad or anxious or upset, I won’t try to hide it; I’ll come to you and ask you to put your strong arms around me and tell me you love me.” (For some reason we almost never say ‘I love you’ to each other, even though we say it to the kids every day.) He promised he’d do that. And he it did it right then. :-)
Then I asked him to forgive me for making him wrong for so long, and told him “I’m creating you as the man of my dreams!”
In the conversation that followed, I heard clearly for the first time that Brian and I actually share the same spiritual focus, we just use different language to express it. There is no deficiency in him or gap between us; I made that up. I can always speak to his listening and count on him understanding. He really IS the man of my dreams.
My soul mate has been here all along…
– Pamela
July 3rd, 2008 at 5:01 pm
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